I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
