Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
