I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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