Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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