You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
