I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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