I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I need a burrito and a hug.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
