If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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