just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
