You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
