you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
