you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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