I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
