I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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