dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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