It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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