Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
