..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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