Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
