sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
