Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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