Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
