it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
