she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Is it because I queefed?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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