My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
