my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
