the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
