i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
