Your dad touched me again.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
