sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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