I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
