so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
