Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
