I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
barbara walters just said penis...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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