So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
