I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize