Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I supernannyed him into submission
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
