Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
