broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
