She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
