I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
