the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
