Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
