last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
MIDGETS
????
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
