Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
