I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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