did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
