Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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