Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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