first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
