My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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