Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
