i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
organizing the empties. That sober.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
