I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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