I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
