I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
