I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There's always time for handjobs
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
